Moriah Ulinskas

Ronnie Feragen

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I was born here in San Francisco in 1976. I lived in just about every neighborhood in the city except the Tenderloin. My mother moved around a lot- she was always screwing stuff up. It seemed like we were constantly moving, like she couldn’t afford where we were and we had to keep moving. She left me out of it until a certain age, then I figure out what it was when I was around 12.  It was that my brother’s father was a crackhead and he abused her. Every time they would go into a room, they would argue and my brother would start to cry. I finally put a stop to it and ran the guy out.  He was smoking crack in the bathroom one time and I had to go the bathroom- I could smell it. When he opened the door all the smoke came out in my face and I got tired of it and got my Louisville slugger and chased him out of the house.

 

I went up and said “I swear to god, I’ll hit you with this if you don’t leave.” His eyes got wide and he got in his car and he left and never came back. I was tired of it because when he was high, he abused my mother, and she abused me.  When I chased him out she was mad at me, she blamed me for ruining her marriage, but it wasn’t my fault. That marriage was doomed.

 

My mom kicked me out after that and I started couch surfing around with my friends.  Then I started staying with an aunt. If I went to my mom’s house she would call the police and lie say things that would make them take me and put me in Juvie.  Then my grandma would come get me out, because she knew my mom was cuckoo. My mom is more than bipolar.  Now she’s totally crazy. She wants to kill me.  She went crazy on my brother, too.

 

I went to Hillcrest Elementary School. I didn’t like it, but I knew I had to go. I remember the first time I cut: I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. I hopped the wall and went to St Mary’s Park and went on the swings.  They sent out a search party, but they never found me. When I got home the neighbor across the street- he had so many pets, doves, cats, birds- that particular day one of his cats got mauled by a pitbull. I didn’t get in trouble for cutting because my mom thought I left school because I heard about the cat. I spent a lot of time with that neighbor. He gave me a duck- I called it Ducky Wucky and it acted like a watch dog. It was really protective of me.

 

I went to so many high schools. I was what they call a troubled kid.  I went to Wilson, Downtown High, Sunshine, and then RAP- the continuation school.  I got to 11th grade, but then my mom made me babysit my little brother and I stopped going to school.  My brother’s kind of mad at the world right now and I try to be close to him, but he’s on the streets now and it’s hard.  My mom blames me for everything and I’m tired of that.  She treated me like a bad person, she kept putting me in Juvie, so I became one.

 

When I was 16 I had my first kid.  The girl set me up in a way. She would come around my house for sex, and then she disappeared for two years. I didn’t know what happened to her. Then she popped back up with this little kid.  I had a girlfriend at the time and she walked up with the baby stroller and was like “Ronnie, you need to come down here and see your kid” and my girlfriend wanted to go down and beat her up. She was a little Loca girl.  Her little sister said she would beat the girl up, but I stopped it and walked them away.

 

I went down and the kid was dark skinned, I was like, “That is not my kid. Let me take this kid to my mom, she’ll know.”  I brought the baby up to my mom (she didn’t like me already at the time). She said, what are you doing here? I said, I want you to look at this baby and tell me if it’s mine.  She looked at the kid and she said, “it’s yours”.

 

So, I did a blood test and it came back mine and right away I had to pay child support.  From 16 on I was paying child support.  I started working for a beer company and I was paying $500 month in child support.  But then I started falling off because I had to pay my own bills too.

 

When I was 21 I had my second kid with a girl I was in love with. We were engaged and everything: living together, I had a home, a job, I was paying my child support, but then she called the cops on me and said I hit her. I still loved her, even after I served a year in San Bruno County Jail, but I didn’t talk to her while I was in.  I lost everything.

 

When I came out she was there at the gate and I was really surprised. She wanted to talk to me and I said I didn’t want to talk to her. She apologized and said she loved me and wanted to be with me.  We got back together, but it only last like three more months because all we did was argue.  

I was in and out of jail, It’s like a revolving door. Have you heard that? Once you go in, when you get out, you’re going to go back.  I don’t want to talk about what I did. I did lots of stupid stuff. I was an alcoholic and I was a fighter. I bottle up all my anger and the way I let it out was to get in fights. But I’m not that person any more, so I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t really drink anymore. I don’t even have a taste for it.

 

Because I had lost everything, I had to move in with my grandma. I got a job at Budweiser in South San Francisco driving a forklift- loading the big tractor trailers.  I worked a total of five years and it was good work: good money, good benefits. If you deliver to a store they give you freeby stuff- food and drinks.  Then I got sick.  

 

I was living in Oakland at the time and I was in the bedroom watching TV at the edge of the bed and I started gasping for air and I started screaming for my girlfriend to call 911 and she called my grandma instead. Grandma said, what are you calling me for, call 911. She did and an ambulance came and I went unconscious.  I remember hearing boots in the bedroom pounding on the floor. They grabbed me and put me in a gurney. I remember fading out and then I remember waking up with these bright lights, going through the hospital. We were at Highland Hospital. They put me in a room that only had a bed right in the middle of it. I could move, couldn’t stand up couldn’t do nothing. I kept screaming for help and seeing people walk by.  Finally someone brought me a wheelchair, because I wanted to make a phone call.  I called home to my girlfriend because I was worried about my kid. Then I got off the phone and looked behind me and saw the elevator and I took it down and asked the security how I can get a cab and he pointed to a phone and I called a cab and went home.  My girlfriend got really mad at me because the taxi was $50. She was screaming at me, she was mad, she wanted me to go back to the hospital.  She called grandma, my auntie came and got me and took me to UCSF because it’s in San Francisco. I’m from here and I belong here.

 

At UCSF they tested me for EVERYTHING and I came back positive with HIV and the cancer.  I got diagnosed with Kaposi Sarcoma, which is a really bad kind of cancer. I spent two months at UCSF, then they moved me to Mt Zion, then after two months to Laguna Honda.  It was hard being there. At first I thought I was never going to get out. There are people there who are never going to get out, because they’re too old or people have given up on them.  I did chemo and everything for two and a half years.  I was in a wheelchair for two years.  My leg turned purple and felt like cement.  I thought I was going to lose my leg.  I made my grandma become my payee and she would buy me food and cigarettes and bring them to me.  My brother came sometimes, I saw my kids some.  The HIV diagnosis freaked me out. My son was born already and all I could think was if my kid had it. If my kid had it I was going to kill myself, because I’m not the kind of person to do that to someone.

 

Now I realize the person I was and I don’t like that person. I wish I had stopped drinking sooner. I lost a lot from from drinking. I lost relationships. Most of the time the girl doesn't want you to drink, and I was like “I don't’ care, it’s my money” I would go out and not come back.  Sometimes I’d be with my friends, sometimes I’d be by myself because I was mad.

 

Being sick is hard, you lose all your friends. They’re ignorant, they don’t know if they're going to get HIV from touching you.  Even my best friend from childhood called me and I hung up on him because I hadn’t hear from him in so long.  He said he was going to come see me and he did come.  He was still a good friend, but then I told him I had HIV and now he’s acts sketchy around me, like he thinks he’s going to catch it.

 

Now, I’m just surviving. I want to stay alive to see my youngest kid graduate from school and be able to take care of himself. I”m not scared of dying anymore. I just live day by day. I have plans, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to see them through. I’m going to get my license back- I thought it was suspended, but it wasn’t. I’ve been calling the DMV a lot trying to get it figured out. I’m going to get my license and then I’m going to get a car. I used to flip cars- you buy a car and fix it up and sell it and do that over and over again until you get to the one you want.  I’d like to get a Grand National.